Like the Little Engine That Could, I keep chugging along....

So, here I am at week 22 in my pregnancy. I can honestly say that pregnancy has been NOTHING like I had imagined it being. Of course, this may simply be that I have had an easy go of it for my first time around. My nausea was very minimal, my fatigue was exceptional, my appetite was fairly normal, and my overall health has been phenomenal. Sure, I have packed on a few pounds, but it's been nothing out of the ordinary at this point. I had always assumed that I would be constantly uncomfortable, constantly moody,  constantly ill. I have said FOR YEARS that I would be the crabbiest and grouchiest pregnant lady ever, because I hate feeling the slightest feeling of discomfort. But alas, I have been extremely well tempered. This may be part Zoloft, but that's completely fine. It keeps me sane and Will...so we have no complaints at all.

Since my last post, we have since found out that we are having a baby girl. We have been so excited at the thought of having a sweet little girl to love and nurture into a young lady. I'll never understand why people feel the need to apologize at the fact of the baby being a girl and not a boy. Will gets it at work, I don't. I guess it's an Army machismo thing. But, I can honestly say that he is truly thrilled at the idea of being the overprotective, wrapped-around-her-little-finger daddy. Gracie's room has been about 98% emptied out and her closet is now filling up with all the amazing donations we have gotten from friends and family. She also has quite the start on her own little library, which makes her Mimi, Daddy, Mommy, and Nana very happy. (We're a book family.)

One thing I wasn't really prepared for in the pregnancy was all the hair growth in some unusual places. Good grief, my stomach looks like a damn bear rug. All I can hear in my head when I see it is Ivana Humpalot's "You are hairy, like ANIMAL!" I could go like 3 days without shaving my legs or pits, but seriously, in all brutal honesty, I look like I have Buckwheat in a headlock almost daily. In Europe, this may fly, but not in the hot-ass South in the middle of a heat wave and drought. Thankfully, we have a new-ish membership to Sam's because I am going through razors like Robert Downey Jr. went through rehabs.

Belly button status update: BB has keeping a firm defensive stance on remaining an innie. There have been small breaches within the flanks, but it is remaining defiantly in place.

That's pretty much all I have for now. I'm sure I'll have more later. But for now, I'll just sit back and revel in Gracie's constant kicks of trying to get comfortable in my expanding belly.

A farewell letter to my piercings

To my dear torso piercings,

It fills me with great sadness and loss to have to inform you that you will no longer have a place in my body. I have, quite literally, outgrown you. Belly Ring, you have been my constant companion for the past 11 and a half years. You were my litmus test on if I had gained too much weight, because everyone knows that larger girls just don't look as cute with them. If anything, it draws attention to the fact that your stomach is not flat and that your belly button has become more of a cavern for the crumbs of food instead of this cute little indentation on your torso. However, I digress. I removed you due to my pregnancy. I knew that it was becoming imminent for you to be taken out because of how much closer to the skin your bar was becoming. It was starting to get weird when I would rub my belly and I could feel the strain between you and my expanding belly. 

Now, it's VERY weird to see the hole where you used to be. I haven't seen my tummy so...blank...in over a decade. Needless to say, this will take QUITE a while to get used to.

I know I said "piercings" earlier. Lets just say that feeding a baby with these may not be a great idea (although I do know that you can, as long as you take the necessary precautions!) You had been my friends for almost 5 years. While I was very unsure about you in the beginning, I grew to become very fond of the both of you. However, I was soon down to just one as one piercing never really took. Nevertheless, I relished in the sight of having you in one of the most sensitive of areas. The pinching you gave me two weeks ago led me to the conclusion that it may be time for you to be removed as well. 

So, I'm guessing this is a letter of a temporary farewell to my vanity. While I really enjoyed the look having the metal in the various areas of my body, I enjoy the look of my baby belly even more. I certainly wouldn't find my embedded nipple ring or ripped navel piercing all that hot because I was insistent that I could have my cake and eat it too. I mean, c'mon, I am trying for 2 kiddos here.

But, my piercings, take heart. You will be restored once I get this baby stuff out of my system. You will be very missed in the mean time.

Love always,

My belly button and boobs 

9 weeks in Krispy Kreme?

So, here I am, in my 9th week. I can't really say that I "feel" pregnant at this point. I just look like I haven't said no to snacks in a while. I'm bloated (I'm assuming) so nothing is fitting like it should. Although, I do find it awesome that it's completely acceptable to wear my pants unbuttoned and a little unzipped. I think after I have this kid, I'm going to be sad about having to do that again. I could care less about the "attention" that is now being poured onto my newborn. I just want to wear my fat girl pants just a little bit longer.

I have already had my first completely rude and inappropriate comment. A customer in the bank, after finding out I was pregnant, she replied, "Oh, so that's why your butt is so big." Le sigh.

Of course, I'm chalking all of this up to my impatience. Looking back, I think I found out too soon. Now, time is DRAGGING by. Of course, basically that week was when a lot of symptoms started showing up. So I really couldn't not find out sooner or later. I definitely would have found out 2 weeks later when the nausea kicked in. Impatience is my vice, although right now, I'll call it my virtue.

Something that isn't turning out to be so awesome is that my mind thinks of these amazing food ideas...and I eat it...and it's not so great. My stomach aches, I get gassy and then I spend the rest of the evening cursing myself for thinking the food was a good idea. Arroz con pollo today is being a jerk. I normally LOVE that dish. But tonight, it is not being very agreeable with my insides. Which means, later tonight, it's not going to be agreeable on the outside. Oh well. I am thankful though that this baby and my digestive system dig Italian food, mainly anything with carbs and heavy sauce. The Spicy Italian at Subway seriously tastes like it was made by Jesus himself. I'm just saying.

Things I will NOT do

Here is a list of things I refuse to do while pregnant and after the birth. If any of you have done these, I certainly do not mean to offend you. I've just seen it repeated over and over and I simply will not continue the trend. These are in no particular order:

1. Have a baby on board sign: I get it, you're excited about your newest addition rolling around with you in the car and that you are hoping this will compel other drivers to drive safely around you. Let me the first to tell you, this will do nothing to rectify bad drivers. They do not care in the least bit that there is a baby in there with you when wherever they are going is far more important than whatever obstacles may be on the road: a school bus, speed limit signs, stop lights, cars actually going a little under the speed limit. I'll just be the proactive one and will get out of their way.
2. Use my baby's ultrasound photo as my profile photo on Facebook: Others simply don't want to see it. I have friends that have asked me not to do this far in advance to my actually getting pregnant. They say it frustrates them because they check my profile to see how I'm doing, not to see the half alien half baby that's growing in my belly. It's fine to post a picture of it, but not to be used as a daily reminder.
3. Become obsessed about using hand sanitizer for everything: Scientific research as shown that using hand sanitizer too much actually WEAKENS the immune system. You aren't allowing the child's body the chance to learn for to fight off an infection, which unfortunately creates stronger germs. I understand the need to use it when the baby is first born. But I'm sorry. My baby is going to get dirty and get germy. That's how I grew up and I think I have a pretty awesome immune system. Let your kids get dirty every once in a while!
4. Not allowing my kid to watch a movie because it might have a bad word or two in it: I'm not saying I'll be plopping the kid down next to me every time I want to watch The Hangover. However, I think that it's ok if a kid sees a little violence and hears words not normally spoken. I'm sorry, but you can't shield your children away from it forever. I think that you have a duty to let them know that this is pretend behavior and that it is not acceptable to imitate what they see outside the house. As long as you are crystal clear that they understand that it is pretend behavior, I don't see anything wrong with watching Predator. My husband grew up on all those 80's action movies thanks to his 3 older brothers and they all came out just fine. 
5. Having my kid not know the meaning of the word "no": I heard no a lot growing up. There were many things I didn't get. There were many places I didn't get to go. But I obviously survived. In my line of work, I have seen too many kids that have absolutely no regard for someone telling them no. I see a lot of these stupid teen reality shows filled with spoiled brats who feel like they are entitled to everything. I see college students who are the same way. I'm telling you right now, when Mama says no, she means no. It is not subject to discussion or interpretation. The only way I may bend on this is when they become older and can present a logical case for defense to be determined by a neutral third party. 

This is all I've come up with so far. I'm sure the list will grow as I go along, but this is what I've been pretty adamant about long before I even became pregnant.

Becoming something new

A few weeks ago, I got some news that was going to rock my world like nothing else had. I, the closet vain and body dysmorphic beauty fanatic, was pregnant. With that little cross in the window (and subsequent digital reading), my entire world as I had known it was dramatically altered.

First came the shock. Will and I had been trying for about a year to no avail. You can imagine the routine of every month thinking I had timed everything right only to find that Mother Nature wasn't having it. To be honest, I had no idea what I was doing. I bought books on how to conceive. I tried to plot my basal temperature. (Which I found to be completely useless, because I couldn't wake up every single day at the exact time and take my temperature half asleep. For one thing, that thermometer took 3 times as long as any I have ever used, so by the time that thing beeped, I was snoozing away. With it still under my tongue.) I tried planning out when my "window of opportunity" would be open. I had apps. I had reminders in my calendar. I had all of that. In case you don't know me, I'm the type of person who has to be basically hit over the head with a blunt object to remind me to do something or to remind me of something. I would sometimes just go off of feeling. ("I THINK we need to go home and do it. I might be ovulating!") As I said earlier, I honestly had absolutely no idea what I was doing. This was a talk that my mother and I never had. This was something I didn't feel really comfortable talking to my mother-in-law, my sister-in-laws, or my close friends about. How do I tell these people that I have no idea how to make a baby?

Next came the excitement...and the tears. After a while, it becomes disheartening to see Aunt Flo every month. I can only imagine how the couples who try for years and years feel. Luckily, my wait was only a year. But it was still long enough for me and my hidden cynical hypochondriac to wonder, 'Is it me? Do I have some incurable disease that they haven't found yet?! Am I a mutant inside?!??!' To see the results on those two piss sticks made a lot of that inner talk shush down for a while. I am normal! (read: inside.) I can make a baby! Then came the tears and sobbing into my husband's chest moaning how I thought it was me. I thought I was the reason why we couldn't get pregnant. It was 12 months of guilt just pouring out and I couldn't stop it. Bless my husband. He chuckled and confessed how he always thought it was him and his Celiac. (Which, when not treated properly can affect the...uh...boys).

Now, in the midst of the excitement and the hoopla that comes with first finding out, reality has started to kind of sink in. We're going to have a baby! Remember when I said earlier about body dysmorphic? Yeah, that part kicked in. At 8 weeks and 4 days, I feel and look fat. I don't look pregnant, I look fat. All my fat girl pants that I save for Aunt Flo's visit, are barely fitting. For the people who don't know, I'm sure I look like I can shotgun a beer or 4. My boobs...my aching, sore, heavy ass boobs...look like torpedoes. "Baby, you're nipples are getting huge!" Yeah, not the best thing I want to hear. (And for the record, they are NOT "huge." I do not have the African tribeswoman dinner plate nipples. When I hear huge, I think of that. They are not the size of hubcaps. Thankyouverymuch) I will say that it is nice that my bras now look much better on me than they used to. I 'spose now is the time to do those sexy cleavage pictures for my baby daddy, although again, something I have no idea what I'm doing. Have you ever tried doing those? Seriously, I can never know if the look on my face is sexy while the autotimer is going off or if I just look like I have to go to the bathroom or if I just have a blank stare.

The fear has also set in. Holy crap, I'm going to be a mother. I can't even keep plants alive past 3 weeks! How am I going to make it 18 years?! I suppose I have to apply the same rules I use for my dogs that I do for "Baby Dinosaur." Just make sure they are fed and go to the bathroom. That's pretty easy...I can do that. However, it will be a bit different because I can't just leave a bowl of water and a bowl of baby food out for it to crawl to whenever it decides it is hungry. I guess I'll have to actually play and not just leave toys lying around for he/she to entertain themselves with. (Although I'm sure that's a tactic I'll be using when they hit 3-ish)

Oi vey. This is going to be quite the adventure.